every life needs a purpose. a God-given purpose. a calling. a reason for God's grace to grant us one more day on this earth, in this body. after all, what is the real purpose for our life? to bring God glory, (soli deo gloria). so when we start to live for ourselves, it is sin, and it is futile. (all is vanity!) we will find no real lasting and sure pleasure or fulfillment. as Christians we will have the Holy Spirit conscience nudging us that something is wrong and will not be able to be as committed to whatever worldly ambition we pick up, that diverts us from the calling of ministry. in some of us, this surfaces as indecisiveness in regards to major, etc.

if you're not living for God, what's the point of living at all. He gave you this life, you need to give it back to Him. otherwise, quite honestly, He has no use for you and might as well stop your existence prematurely.

But if we are living for God! Think who is on our side!! (if God is for us, who is against us!) and we can know that are desires (since they are His desires) and are passions and goals and priorities (all fashioned to the Makers) will be fueled and funded by the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE! how insanely awesome. i'm getting so hyped because, guess what... i know exactly what my calling is. and it just happens to be one of the greatest! not that there is distinction in the Kingdom, i think. but here goes...

MOTHERHOOD. eeee! MY MINISTRY IS TO RAISE BABBYS! (aka babies) and i simply cannot wait. God has filled my being with an ardent desire and excitement for the life of a home-maker! i've begun to fill my days with tasks that hone my wifely skills (cooking, diligence in maintaining a clean room, respect for the man over me no matter what (right now, my father) and showing joyful reverence to him no matter what kind of man he may turn out to be, and a more temperet spirit in general. plus, a pretty appearance.) and my motherly skills (i've learned how to potty train a two-year-old, discipline toddlers and pre-schoolers, keep the hearts of rebellious teenagers in a very sinful day and age, manage a home, care for a baby, prioritize house-hold duties, grocery shop, teach/instruct, dress appropriately for juggling all the above, and realize the importance of extended family).

God has blessed me, not only with this desire so i enjoy learning how to master my purpose in life, but also He placed me in a home with an excellent mother who has already done a great job demonstrating child rearing and teaching in the home. i am so grateful i will have her around in the years to come to give me advice constantly. i only hope my father lives that long too because his tender heart is full of keen insight, i know, but it's locked very deep behind protective layers.

God also gave me a wonderful job this summer, as a nanny to a family with another superb example of motherhood, bethany aeyrs. i have adopted much of her shopping list as my own now and it is through the experiences with her children i've learned the vast majority of my new found knowledge on working with kids and seeing the world and understanding rebellion at their level.

"she who rocks the cradle, rules the world." this calling of motherhood you may mock as unfulfilling compared to a career but, it is honestly the most important thing a human being can do. since we are such temporary beings (here today, gone tomorrow) raising the next generation is far more impactful than raising profits for a paper products company. plus, God designed and specifically told us, this was a woman's role.

but i have another calling too! because yes, i am not married yet and it may be a long time in coming, and this one is also biblical! to share this passion and wisdom with other young ladies! the ministry of discipleship, relationships that help each other walk through life in a better, more God-honoring manner. :)

and i'm starting on this one already too in that, i'm taking Jessica Spink out and about this afternoon to spend some quality time and establish a relationship. i plan to share with her the fun of "dumpster diving" at the salvation army for cute clothes on the cheap! she expressed a desire to spend time with me on Sunday, just yesterday, and i only realized now how wonderful this is of God to throw at me and help me start off already with another of God's charges to young women! woo hoo!

here we go, Lord! please bless our endeavors since they are for Your Glory. :)

my first post was the wikipedian description of our societies overall take on "cowardice". that was the entirety of the content of my first post for a number of reasons. one, because a wikki post is a sizeable chunk of text ready, on-hand to test your blogs appearance as you tinker with layout. but, my mind also consciously chose the subject of a coward for my first post because of what inspired the creation of this blog in the first place.

i recently faced up to my latest besetting sin and owned the fact that i had, in recent years, become a flirt. (besetting sin meaning - 'In the life of every individual, there is a "besetting" sin that can tower like a mountain between the individual and God. This is "the sin which doth so easily beset us", and it differs according to the person.') it was a power thing and it was also partly due to a lack of male affection and affirmation at home, now that my brother is moved out and married and my father is quite ill. i told myself that as a cop-out. to know that i could have one boy in every class at Valley crush on me all semester, feeding him just enough to keep it going but emotionally unattached deep down so there is no pain at separation or loss on my part. i would date a boy in my mind and heart, make him an idol of my heart, even when i knew very well i could never actually make this into a real relationship ending in marriage! sometimes i would have two or three even.

it was adultery. and idolatry. and it stole my mind and affection away from God. i lost my appetite for His Word. i was distracted at church and it became a mere social outing, and another pool of males to smile at extra sweetly.

the last boy was an atheist. Daniel Miller. and my foolishness there ruined the testimony of the Lord and slandered His good name. we would discuss god, the origin of the universe, morality and faith for hours and weeks, but all the while i was obviously aware of his feelings for me and became increasingly forward about mine for him. at the last hour, i even went so far as to go behind my parents back in a matter regarding this fellow. afterwards, i couldn't stand myself so, i confessed not only my true motives in communicating with Daniel to my mother, but also the entire filthy pattern that had cropped up in my life and how it had affected every other aspect.

i cut it off with Daniel that very night, and deactivated my facebook.com account the next morning. it was not our sole means of communication but facebook is too much about being out there in the world and "connecting". for people with my weaknesses? it is too great a temptation. AND SUCH A DISTRACTION FROM THE THINGS OF GOD!

i haven't had devotions or even prayed in so long! but this past saturday, i barely slept! why? no, not because of late night chats with boys online, but because i was filled with the Spirit again and so thoughtful and prayerful. i was suddenly not merely content but excited about God's plan for maidenhood, to be a keeper of the home! delighting myself in Him, studying Him and His ways, and keeping busy with all manner of tasks to be an accomplished and lovely handmaiden for Christ. even my meager plans for college drifted into a less significant place in my heart. yes, i'll still go to Valley and CSUN and eventually get degrees but, that is not important. i don't care about the world's typical pattern for our lives. all i have joy in is pleasing my God and Savior and Lord and Heavenly Father and parents, in being a quieter, more loving, more diligent, lady and helpmeet.

so i spent most of the night really excited about the above, and kept wanting to rush in and wake up my folks to say i didn't care about college anymore! i spent the other portion of the night thanking God for filling me with this Grace because i know heart changes like these are acts of the Holy Spirit and do not come from my naturally sinful desires. i don't deserve this grace but i am so, so pleased He gave it to me.

Steve Lawson taught an AMAZING sermon on the holiness of our God. it seemed to fit in perfectly with what i had been thinking about! get lost in the Holiness of God, julia, and you shrink away to insignificant nothingness! yes! that is what i want to do! disappear! not matter anymore! it's all about You, Lord!

after the service i went to the baptism class but the teacher never showed up. instead i met a young man recently saved and just as excited about his salvation as me, who had just rediscovered it. we reveled together in the upper room over the uncomprehendable grace of God. his name is Efron. i asked him why God chose to save me...it doesn't make sense. and he cited...

Ephesians 1: 5-6

He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, (here it is) according to the kind intention of His will, (why) to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved.

I also like verse 9...

"He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention which He purposed in Him..."

and 12...

"...to the end that we who were the first to hope in Christ would be to the praise of His glory.

And 13 and 14 are great summaries.

"In Him, you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation---having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is given as a pledge of our inheritance, with a view to the redemption of God's own possession, to the praise of His glory."

later that morning in the bookstore, a man from CSUN biblestudy named Daniel came over to me and said "hello, sister!" we ended up talking for awhile on the same subject. we both have much reason to wonder at God's grace and mercy. i for the obvious state of my selfish and shallow heart, and he for the power of God in plucking his soul up whilst in the depths of prison for armed robbery, when, as he says "all the world had given up on me. my parents had given up, my pastor had given up, society had given up on me, the military had given up on me." wow. God choses those the world finds most difficult, and says, you are my chosen ones. ...WHY!?

because, and then Daniel shared with me his very marked up Bible...

1 Corinthians 1:26-29

(this is so good..)

For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise (that's me), and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, and the base things of the world (here Daniel said, "that's me")and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, so that no man may boast before God.

that, i find very comforting. that God would pick the worst of sinners to make it clear it's nothing they do to be saved, so He gets more glory from it. i find that very comforting because it means, when i constantly fail---look, i was saved when i was a child, nine i think, walking with God is not new to me! but i fell into such a deep sin pattern, satan lured me so far from God that, i am now even more excited about forgiveness and redemption and RENEWAL AND CLEANSING then even before, because i've had a taste of what life is like now without God, and it's horrible. but as i was saying, when i fail constantly, it just further proves why God did chose to save me. i am obviously qualified for the "foolish, weak, and base things of the world"!

one more thing, while i was in the book store i picked up a book entitled "the prayer coach, getting off the bench and onto the praying field" or something like that. anyways, i flipped to a random page and read this awesome, practical advice.

[paraphrased] twice a week, write on only one side of a piece of paper in your journal (limit so as to prevent burnout) a list of sins to confess in the past days. once done writing a quick, scrap list, you then pray through them in detail, confessing to God. twice a week is just enough to keep this practice of confession going throughout your days. he also recommended, after an occasion like, relatives in town for the weekend or something, to write a plus and minus list of things you did well and can praise God for and things you failed at, and praying through that too. the plus list is necessary to prevent ingratitude.

i've enacted this already and chosen monday and friday as my confessional times.


sorry for the long post, but this Sunday was so full and was the first spiritually "filling" Sunday i've had in a very long time. i feel so charged for the week!

my prayer today has been that God would keep this passion alive in me continually, for His Glory and the sake of my soul. :)

For His good pleasure!

"If you are not a Christian do not trust your mind; it is the most dangerous thing you can do." -- D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones

"...and if you are a Christian, do not trust your emotions!" -- My Mom

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If you are not a Christian do not trust your mind; it is the most dangerous thing you can do. But when you become a Christian your mind is put back in the centre and you become a rational being. There is no more pathetic illusion than for a man to think of the Christian faith as sob-stuff, the dope of the people, something purely emotional and irrational. The true view of it is stated perfectly by the apostle Paul in Romans 6:17. You have 'obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you'. The doctrine was preached to them, and when they came to see it they liked it, believed it, and put it into practice. They received the truth of God first of all with the mind. Truth must be received with the mind, and the Holy Spirit enables the mind to become clear. That is conversion, that is what happens as the result of regeneration. The mind is delivered from this bias of evil and darkness; it sees the truth and loves and desires it above everything else. That is it. There is nothing more tragic than for a man to find at the end of his life that he has been entirely wrong all the time.

From the book Studies in the Sermon on the Mount.

I'm sure we've all gone through this at some point. Being accused of blind, emotionally-needy faith. But our faith is not irrational. We are permitted by the Holy Spirit to perceive the truth and value it, receive it and then, as he said, practice it. It is not ritualistic or "sob-stuff". It is intellectually just plain smart. Salvation is the best example of a "good for you" proposition. It's just many people have a blinded eye (mind) and therefore become creatures of lust and desire, "whose eye is no longer single". That is one of the most subtle deeds of Satan. He persuades a man that by denying God he is being rational. The greatest faculty of all has become perverted.

Good book. Helpful in explaining the, at first, strange sounding verses 22-23 of chapter six in Matthew.

my mommy has been very sanctified by her journey through motherhood and wifehood. most of her corners have been rubbed off to leave a smooth, beautiful pearl, selflessly serving as a joyful slave to her household. sometimes i wish i could see her slightly more sinful and therefore quirkly personalitied self.

my sister is a dodecahedron, very close to selflessness herself.

i am a triangle. sharp edges galore and you have to push real hard to get me to roll over.

Cowardice, in general terms, is the perceived failure to demonstrate sufficient robustness in the face of a challenging situation. The term describes a personality trait which is viewed as a negative characteristic and has been frowned upon within most, if not all global cultures, while courage, typically viewed as its direct opposite, is generally rewarded and encouraged.
Cowards are usually seen to have avoided or refused to engage in a confrontation or struggle which has been deemed good or righteous by the wider culture in which they live. On a more mundane level, the label may be applied to those who are regarded as too frightened or overwhelmed to defend their rights or those of others from aggressors in their lives.

Military law

Acts of cowardice have long been punishable by military law, which defines a wide range of cowardly offenses including desertion in face of the enemy and surrendering to the enemy against orders. The punishment for such acts is typically severe, ranging from corporal punishment to the death sentence. Cowardly conduct is specifically mentioned within the United States Uniform Code of Military Justice.

Etymology

According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, the word coward came into English from the Old French word coart (modern French couard), a combination of the word for "tail" (Modern French queue, Latin cauda) and an agent noun suffix. It would therefore have meant "one with a tail" — perhaps from the habit of animals displaying their tails in flight ("turning tail"), or from a dog's habit of putting its tail between its legs when it is afraid. Like many other English words of French origin, this word was introduced in the English language by the French-speaking Normans, after the Norman conquest of England in 1066.
The English surname Coward (as in Noel Coward), however, has the same origin and meaning as the word "cowherd".