my first post was the wikipedian description of our societies overall take on "cowardice". that was the entirety of the content of my first post for a number of reasons. one, because a wikki post is a sizeable chunk of text ready, on-hand to test your blogs appearance as you tinker with layout. but, my mind also consciously chose the subject of a coward for my first post because of what inspired the creation of this blog in the first place.

i recently faced up to my latest besetting sin and owned the fact that i had, in recent years, become a flirt. (besetting sin meaning - 'In the life of every individual, there is a "besetting" sin that can tower like a mountain between the individual and God. This is "the sin which doth so easily beset us", and it differs according to the person.') it was a power thing and it was also partly due to a lack of male affection and affirmation at home, now that my brother is moved out and married and my father is quite ill. i told myself that as a cop-out. to know that i could have one boy in every class at Valley crush on me all semester, feeding him just enough to keep it going but emotionally unattached deep down so there is no pain at separation or loss on my part. i would date a boy in my mind and heart, make him an idol of my heart, even when i knew very well i could never actually make this into a real relationship ending in marriage! sometimes i would have two or three even.

it was adultery. and idolatry. and it stole my mind and affection away from God. i lost my appetite for His Word. i was distracted at church and it became a mere social outing, and another pool of males to smile at extra sweetly.

the last boy was an atheist. Daniel Miller. and my foolishness there ruined the testimony of the Lord and slandered His good name. we would discuss god, the origin of the universe, morality and faith for hours and weeks, but all the while i was obviously aware of his feelings for me and became increasingly forward about mine for him. at the last hour, i even went so far as to go behind my parents back in a matter regarding this fellow. afterwards, i couldn't stand myself so, i confessed not only my true motives in communicating with Daniel to my mother, but also the entire filthy pattern that had cropped up in my life and how it had affected every other aspect.

i cut it off with Daniel that very night, and deactivated my facebook.com account the next morning. it was not our sole means of communication but facebook is too much about being out there in the world and "connecting". for people with my weaknesses? it is too great a temptation. AND SUCH A DISTRACTION FROM THE THINGS OF GOD!

i haven't had devotions or even prayed in so long! but this past saturday, i barely slept! why? no, not because of late night chats with boys online, but because i was filled with the Spirit again and so thoughtful and prayerful. i was suddenly not merely content but excited about God's plan for maidenhood, to be a keeper of the home! delighting myself in Him, studying Him and His ways, and keeping busy with all manner of tasks to be an accomplished and lovely handmaiden for Christ. even my meager plans for college drifted into a less significant place in my heart. yes, i'll still go to Valley and CSUN and eventually get degrees but, that is not important. i don't care about the world's typical pattern for our lives. all i have joy in is pleasing my God and Savior and Lord and Heavenly Father and parents, in being a quieter, more loving, more diligent, lady and helpmeet.

so i spent most of the night really excited about the above, and kept wanting to rush in and wake up my folks to say i didn't care about college anymore! i spent the other portion of the night thanking God for filling me with this Grace because i know heart changes like these are acts of the Holy Spirit and do not come from my naturally sinful desires. i don't deserve this grace but i am so, so pleased He gave it to me.

Steve Lawson taught an AMAZING sermon on the holiness of our God. it seemed to fit in perfectly with what i had been thinking about! get lost in the Holiness of God, julia, and you shrink away to insignificant nothingness! yes! that is what i want to do! disappear! not matter anymore! it's all about You, Lord!

after the service i went to the baptism class but the teacher never showed up. instead i met a young man recently saved and just as excited about his salvation as me, who had just rediscovered it. we reveled together in the upper room over the uncomprehendable grace of God. his name is Efron. i asked him why God chose to save me...it doesn't make sense. and he cited...

Ephesians 1: 5-6

He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, (here it is) according to the kind intention of His will, (why) to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved.

I also like verse 9...

"He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention which He purposed in Him..."

and 12...

"...to the end that we who were the first to hope in Christ would be to the praise of His glory.

And 13 and 14 are great summaries.

"In Him, you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation---having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is given as a pledge of our inheritance, with a view to the redemption of God's own possession, to the praise of His glory."

later that morning in the bookstore, a man from CSUN biblestudy named Daniel came over to me and said "hello, sister!" we ended up talking for awhile on the same subject. we both have much reason to wonder at God's grace and mercy. i for the obvious state of my selfish and shallow heart, and he for the power of God in plucking his soul up whilst in the depths of prison for armed robbery, when, as he says "all the world had given up on me. my parents had given up, my pastor had given up, society had given up on me, the military had given up on me." wow. God choses those the world finds most difficult, and says, you are my chosen ones. ...WHY!?

because, and then Daniel shared with me his very marked up Bible...

1 Corinthians 1:26-29

(this is so good..)

For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise (that's me), and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, and the base things of the world (here Daniel said, "that's me")and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, so that no man may boast before God.

that, i find very comforting. that God would pick the worst of sinners to make it clear it's nothing they do to be saved, so He gets more glory from it. i find that very comforting because it means, when i constantly fail---look, i was saved when i was a child, nine i think, walking with God is not new to me! but i fell into such a deep sin pattern, satan lured me so far from God that, i am now even more excited about forgiveness and redemption and RENEWAL AND CLEANSING then even before, because i've had a taste of what life is like now without God, and it's horrible. but as i was saying, when i fail constantly, it just further proves why God did chose to save me. i am obviously qualified for the "foolish, weak, and base things of the world"!

one more thing, while i was in the book store i picked up a book entitled "the prayer coach, getting off the bench and onto the praying field" or something like that. anyways, i flipped to a random page and read this awesome, practical advice.

[paraphrased] twice a week, write on only one side of a piece of paper in your journal (limit so as to prevent burnout) a list of sins to confess in the past days. once done writing a quick, scrap list, you then pray through them in detail, confessing to God. twice a week is just enough to keep this practice of confession going throughout your days. he also recommended, after an occasion like, relatives in town for the weekend or something, to write a plus and minus list of things you did well and can praise God for and things you failed at, and praying through that too. the plus list is necessary to prevent ingratitude.

i've enacted this already and chosen monday and friday as my confessional times.


sorry for the long post, but this Sunday was so full and was the first spiritually "filling" Sunday i've had in a very long time. i feel so charged for the week!

my prayer today has been that God would keep this passion alive in me continually, for His Glory and the sake of my soul. :)

For His good pleasure!